The Faulty Towers

 

If you haven’t watched this show, I seriously recommend you do before you read on…………

My favourite British sit com turned to reality when I moved to this amazingly wicked land named, England. And by the way, what you see as ‘England’ on TV is not the one I lived in.

 

Fresh from the oven of Swiss hotel school, delectable French cuisine,  white dawn glove service and with an American twang, I land in to this barn called Yorkshire. I somehow had this weird notion, that there would be no difference between America & England, what I did realise that these were two nations separated by a common language.

After ten hours of flying and two hours of train ride, I arrive in York. As the name sounded like New York, what could possibly be so wrong!  It took a good ten minutes for the taxi driver to convince me that the ruins I am starring at might be my new hotel!

 I was a state of awe… as in “awe! My god!”

 

There I was, standing in front of a 165 year old fortress (more like a renovated brothel with a green staircase) that could fall anytime….

After taking a deep breath and saying a little prayer, I entered the York dungeons! I had yet again out done myself! From a swanky 22 storey hotel in America, here I was strolling in the English history, praising my brilliance.

At work, my team consisted of 17 college going kids, mostly girls, who cared two hoots about their job and 3 Spaniards who didn’t speak English! My manager who was in her forties, didn’t have any teeth and was in love with the pot wash guy ( so we got our plates on time ! ) and the head chef had just been sacked for stealing hotel paintings…( I’m serious) . The Adam’s family had truly come to life,

 

Often my adorable staff would call n say, ‘Hey ho, period pains , Mo’ ( I was called Mo then ) and my toothless manager& I would end up hovering carpets, polishing china all night……. One of them even quit writing a complain note to the GM that I was rude (I only told her that shaving off her head at 17 won’t get her through the army!)

One of them used to get tired so often that I had a bet with her that she’s pregnant! And gosh! At 17, she was!!! Only I knew it before her! I was so disappointed; the only pretty soul in my restaurant got screwed from a guy who sold hash for a living!   

Another marvel was a girl with a squint. Looking straight in to the eyes and talking was not her thing….She also had a cousin whose only dream was to become a stripper when she grows up….. She got her tongue pierced only for oral pleasures! I couldn’t understand a word of what she spoke! So much for communication skills…………….

 

There was so much admiration in the room that they always lauded one another for who they were and what they wanted to become! Yes- they even admired the stripper for her aspiration!

Life couldn’t be better……..

The kitchen wasn’t so far either……..One fine morning, the 80 year old breakfast chef encountered his biggest culinary challenge of a life time! Someone ordered an egg white omelette. In his age & time, this was unheard of! He gave a zillion reasons as to why the British egg whites won’t cook alone and it is so not worth the effort. The same evening, one of the chefs decides to chop off his finger and I somehow land up in the kitchen, helping out! So, I did cook for one night and that too a New York Club Stacker for the then famous pop artist, Craig David. Poor guy had no clue who was cooking …. & I had no clue what was I cooking…

Out in the restaurant, it was Mayhem! People were crying out for food, found blood in the chicken (may be it was from the chef’s finger), some even wanted to come in the kitchen to see if their food is on the grill atleast! Thank god, they didn’t!

When you went back to the house, thinking the worst is over, you were greeted by three warming flatmates putting nail paints on one another, with their freshly laundered lingerie, sprawling all over the living room, occupying every little space, marking their ‘Territory’!   I had no choice but to help them with their chores if I needed my space to sit! (Yes, I did paint their nails)

This is the England I lived in…..! It was a place where the Queen was unheard of……… And we all spoke a language that we only we could understand…

Till next time, ‘Ta, Luv!’