A Hotelier's Tale !!: The Faulty Towers

A Hotelier's Tale !!: The Faulty Towers:   If you haven’t watched this show, I seriously recommend you do before you read on………… My favourite British sit com turned to real...

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Truly, Madly, Deeply

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Truly, Madly, Deeply: Since my initial working days, I always had this fascinating delusion of working for a hotel on white sand with sky blue beaches…Destinat...

A Hotelier's Tale !!: THE INTERN

A Hotelier's Tale !!: THE INTERN:                     There are less than a few reasons why some of us join hotels… 1.      You were an indigenous blend of   ‘Einstein...

A Hotelier's Tale !!: In Search of Service….

A Hotelier's Tale !!: In Search of Service….: Ever exclaimed of service being slow!!! A time when you waited & waited and didn't know if someone had run away to Assam with ...

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Truly, Madly, Deeply

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Truly, Madly, Deeply: Since my initial working days, I always had this fascinating delusion of working for a hotel on white sand with sky blue beaches…Destinat...

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Since my initial working days, I always had this fascinating delusion of working for a hotel on white sand with sky blue beaches…Destinations like Bora Bora, Seychelles, St Lucia used to be my biggest infatuation. So I tried applying to every single island I could spell and got rejected !

 

 Years later when the thought of going to any such place had depleted from my mind, I got pushed in to the ocean of Maldives…. It was much prettier and picturesque than I ever imagined, but after exactly three hours of me landing there I realised, I couldn’t do it any more…. Seclusion is not my cup of tea…..

How should I say, It’s almost like the urge of visiting a strip club. You love going there but never want it on your resume……………

 

It’s a paradise for those in love, no sightseeing, no shopping! Just long walks on the beach, sun sets, skinny dipping in lagoons, lazing in the hammock , gazing at the shooting stars and drinking till cows come home!

 

 But for many,  It’s amongst the top 3 boring vacations of their life time. The other two being when their TV didn’t work and when they couldn’t order half butter chicken ( you could guess the nationality by now). And I am not making this up….

At dinner, while the others are busy holding hands, smiling & gazing in each other’s eyes, a few even trying to have a conversation with the doped out waiters,

 I would always find a few sitting with an utter disturbing silence!…… absolutely nothing to discuss or ponder as if they have just been punished with the gloomiest day of their life. The poor souls have finally realised that besides the menu that they ordered, they have nothing in common ! I only hope to pass out before something like this happens to me......  

A breath of fresh air would gush in when a waiter would come over as they finally had something to talk,  ‘The Chicken Tikka Masala lacks a bit of zest’. Yeah! Just like your life!

(i.e. assuming that their maids, drivers and other Man Fridays are not serving notice periods…)

For them, days have passed by without going to a multiplex, they haven’t clicked a single picture outside a Gucci showroom and they have no stories to boast about their bargaining skills….And the worst of all, the ocean is just too blue for them……. she did say so, ( green was her favourite colour..)

And that’s when you know, you shouldn’t have married so soon!

….. and Maldives is so not for you !

So in your check list for Maldives, do make sure to have someone with lots of compassion for doing nothing…

 

P.s.- Saari may be the official bikini of Gujrat, but please don’t jump in the pool with them….. Find something of an equal size that will cover you up………

 

The Faulty Towers

 

If you haven’t watched this show, I seriously recommend you do before you read on…………

My favourite British sit com turned to reality when I moved to this amazingly wicked land named, England. And by the way, what you see as ‘England’ on TV is not the one I lived in.

 

Fresh from the oven of Swiss hotel school, delectable French cuisine,  white dawn glove service and with an American twang, I land in to this barn called Yorkshire. I somehow had this weird notion, that there would be no difference between America & England, what I did realise that these were two nations separated by a common language.

After ten hours of flying and two hours of train ride, I arrive in York. As the name sounded like New York, what could possibly be so wrong!  It took a good ten minutes for the taxi driver to convince me that the ruins I am starring at might be my new hotel!

 I was a state of awe… as in “awe! My god!”

 

There I was, standing in front of a 165 year old fortress (more like a renovated brothel with a green staircase) that could fall anytime….

After taking a deep breath and saying a little prayer, I entered the York dungeons! I had yet again out done myself! From a swanky 22 storey hotel in America, here I was strolling in the English history, praising my brilliance.

At work, my team consisted of 17 college going kids, mostly girls, who cared two hoots about their job and 3 Spaniards who didn’t speak English! My manager who was in her forties, didn’t have any teeth and was in love with the pot wash guy ( so we got our plates on time ! ) and the head chef had just been sacked for stealing hotel paintings…( I’m serious) . The Adam’s family had truly come to life,

 

Often my adorable staff would call n say, ‘Hey ho, period pains , Mo’ ( I was called Mo then ) and my toothless manager& I would end up hovering carpets, polishing china all night……. One of them even quit writing a complain note to the GM that I was rude (I only told her that shaving off her head at 17 won’t get her through the army!)

One of them used to get tired so often that I had a bet with her that she’s pregnant! And gosh! At 17, she was!!! Only I knew it before her! I was so disappointed; the only pretty soul in my restaurant got screwed from a guy who sold hash for a living!   

Another marvel was a girl with a squint. Looking straight in to the eyes and talking was not her thing….She also had a cousin whose only dream was to become a stripper when she grows up….. She got her tongue pierced only for oral pleasures! I couldn’t understand a word of what she spoke! So much for communication skills…………….

 

There was so much admiration in the room that they always lauded one another for who they were and what they wanted to become! Yes- they even admired the stripper for her aspiration!

Life couldn’t be better……..

The kitchen wasn’t so far either……..One fine morning, the 80 year old breakfast chef encountered his biggest culinary challenge of a life time! Someone ordered an egg white omelette. In his age & time, this was unheard of! He gave a zillion reasons as to why the British egg whites won’t cook alone and it is so not worth the effort. The same evening, one of the chefs decides to chop off his finger and I somehow land up in the kitchen, helping out! So, I did cook for one night and that too a New York Club Stacker for the then famous pop artist, Craig David. Poor guy had no clue who was cooking …. & I had no clue what was I cooking…

Out in the restaurant, it was Mayhem! People were crying out for food, found blood in the chicken (may be it was from the chef’s finger), some even wanted to come in the kitchen to see if their food is on the grill atleast! Thank god, they didn’t!

When you went back to the house, thinking the worst is over, you were greeted by three warming flatmates putting nail paints on one another, with their freshly laundered lingerie, sprawling all over the living room, occupying every little space, marking their ‘Territory’!   I had no choice but to help them with their chores if I needed my space to sit! (Yes, I did paint their nails)

This is the England I lived in…..! It was a place where the Queen was unheard of……… And we all spoke a language that we only we could understand…

Till next time, ‘Ta, Luv!’

 

THE INTERN

                  There are less than a few reasons why some of us join hotels…

1.     You were an indigenous blend of  ‘Einstein & Charles Darwin’ in school and realised it soon that you can’t get through anywhere else

2.     You love to put things in your mouth which you can’t pronounce (and assume that you are truly gifted…)

3. You love those celebrity chefs on TV and for some reasons get infatuated by their  white chefs coat & want to wear one! (Don’t blame the poor child, he hasn’t been exposed to the world of sunny leone as yet…..)

And worst of all!! Someone talked you in to it and cursed you for a life time….. Misery loves company!

Well, I was a cusp, never liked school, my report card always looked like a shade card of Dulux Paints, I did love to watch chefs on TV (remember the show- Yan Can Cook), Chef coats did infatuate me and sadly, soft porn came much later in life ……

What one doesn’t realise is that the fancy chandeliers, the comfy duvets, the sterling silver and the delectable cuisine is actually  Not For You….you are just a guy carrying all this ! And for those whose lone ‘ Raison D’etre ‘ was eating, will find themselves hiding behind the gigantic dish washer nibbling on the left over fries ( with ketchup, ofcourse! )…..

 

The internship or the industrial training is the sole highlight in any hotelier’s career. It’s the first time you get a sneak peak of a place which will make you feel at home for the next six months ( that’s how long the internships are…) Oh ! & when I say feel at home, I meant foster home…..

 

Based on your skill set, every one usually gets bestowed upon a title within the first week. I was called a “Donkey’s Ass” …sounds quiet cute na !!  Try reciting the same in Hindi! (don’t recollect if it was a suffix or prefix ) 

Then begins, the “Training”….  On the very first day you are made to believe that wearing onion rings ( with the skin, to be precise ) in both your ears would stop you from crying while you continue to peel a sack of them….so, I did…..! Did it work ?…..well,  try this at home & let me know…

The next big task awarded is the cleaning of a walk in freezer of butchery ( it’s a haven for meat lovers )

And just when you are lost gazing at the plethora of hanging carcass  ( lamb, cows, rabbits ) of all the lovely creatures, someone will lock you in & say…. enjoy the minus 16 degrees……..

 

You exit from the frozen corpse land and are greeted by a brigade of chefs as if you have just been baptised. And instead of the holy wine, you are given a spoonful of something to taste! Now, Tasting for an intern is like the highest mark of respect that anyone could ever give. So I did….a spoonful of Jalapenos, pounded just for me……It’s almost like going through hot flashes & menopause at the same time……. ( who the hell knows, what jalapenos are at 18 ! )

 

 

And that my friends, was the end of day 1 of my internship in the glamorous world of hotels

 

P.S.-   these days, the interns apparently have the right to complain ! You actually cant make them work too hard either !

how boring is that,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Search of Service….

Ever exclaimed of service being slow!!! A time when you waited & waited and didn't know if someone had run away to Assam with your tea request to pluck the first flush ! Or whether the chef is still trying to remove the last of the pimple from the cow’s cheek, before he butchers it and cooks your steak!

Some guests whine about staff hovering around & disturbing their inner peace, some say, staff not engaging enough ( you could marry them if you want to..) what are the odds of the husband loving everything and the wife hating it…same day-same time !

 There was one who even wanted to kiss me and her hubby got so furious …. ! what did I do.... smiled sheepishly and said - The Pleasure's All Mine ! Gosh- what was I thinking ! God Bless America!

In my career span, I have managed to ruin plenty of such service experiences….

To name a few, I have poured down a pot of the finest Columbian coffee through the backless dress of a lady ( I guess I was trying to peep in far & away…..)

I also once managed to serve only plates & forgot the food ! ( to my defence…I din’t speak german )

I was also once blamed for ruining somone’s vacation as the forecast had changed……. I wish the weather man took bribe!  

So, what style of service comforts you…..   

Is it the subservient behaviour of bowing down and saying Yes to every single request that makes you feel like royalty from the days of yore? Or is it getting your wishes granted even before you think of it ! Yeah! A lot of guests believe that the staff has high band width-routers in their brains which should catch their thinking frequencies! And even before they could speak out, their wishes must be fulfilled! Or is it that you love to be followed like a shadow and you need someone to scratch your back, pick up your man-bag & blow some breeze in your eye, just when it twitches.....( I do know a few...)

In my world, we often swap & used the words, 'Luxury' and 'Service' for one another, and I wonder... Is it in the goose down & feather pillows you sleep on or the Hermes bath amenities or in the Versace crested dinner set ! Or is it in the oversized bath tub you sink in sipping an exquisite vintage champagne.

For almost 16 years of my career, I associated “Luxury & service” to all this but then I finally found my answers in a small town where none of these fancy names existed….

In my recent travel to Laddakh, I experienced the most genuine service by someone who has never seen the doors of any fancy hotels, has never been to a hotel school, barely speaks English but can beat any Luxury Hotel’s Service, hands down……..

We all called him “ Sonu”…. He taught us that service is not about saying Yes to everything but in trying your best……… it’s in the way he made us feel. In a city with sub-zero temperatures, almost no vegetation and a house full of a resort, he made sure that we had our own little space, catered to us like there was nobody else around! And when the bunch of hooligans ( Us) asked for more… all he said with a smile was – let me try….. and boy- He tried !! & gave us more than we expected…. It made me realise that Great Service was not in reciting the lineage of Dolce & Gabana, but in the intent with which you look after someone … it’s in the genuineness of the person who cares for your comfort….     

There are people who frame degrees in hospitality management, join hotels and are proud to go by the rule book !  And then there are people like Sonu, who do not need a standard operating manual & a flow chart ( which by the way, hotels thrive on ) to resolve issues  … They just do it……