A Hotelier's Tale !!: DINING SOLO

A Hotelier's Tale !!: DINING SOLO: This past week was full of excitement. Michelin Star Chefs from Sichuan and Italy, Spanish Mixologist, wine & whisky paired tastin...

DINING SOLO

This past week was full of excitement. Michelin Star Chefs from Sichuan and Italy, Spanish Mixologist, wine & whisky paired tasting menus, Master Classes…all celebrating the sheer existence of Luxury.

Amidst the cacophony of the French, Americans and Dutch, there stood a guy watching everything around in amusement, enjoying every sip and bite. His only crime- he was all alone.   

Some people looked at him with pity and invited him to join their group while others simply ignored his existence! And before you “Aww…” this guy or feel sorry for his lack of company, I would like you to answer this-

Why is it such a big deal to attend events, go on a holiday or dine just by yourself…

Perhaps, its’ the associated stigma of being seen as a "friendless loser"! Some of that sense of unease surrounding booking a table for one no doubt dates back to our childhoods, when sitting alone in the high school lunch recess was tantamount to social suicide.

Strangely, travelling for work alone is completely acceptable but dining alone isn’t. In our society, there is no room for being alone in a public space, unless there is something seriously wrong with you.

Try telling someone that you went to watch a play or had dinner at this really nice place or went out for a movie. The obvious question that comes in conjunction to this is ‘who did you go out with?’ and may god be with you if you answer this wrongly!!

Eating alone is the most extreme form of feeling disconnected in our culture. This is why restaurants these days have come up with a lot of gimmicks for the so called “Single Diners”…. They keep a bowl with a gold fish on your table, offer you I-pods to listen, get you a set of books to reads….just to make sure that you don’t feel ‘alone’ ( and that's why we escort services too )! A restaurant in Japan, even gives you an over sized Hippo toy just to give you company! 

 

But does one really need all this….. 

The very first words out of a host’s mouth can alienate a single diner.  “Just one for lunch today?”  Yes!  Please,  tuck me in a corner somewhere and stamp the big “L” on my forehead!

We have all been taught that Human beings are sociologically wired to crave community and relationships. But this doesn’t mean that an occasional outing with yourself makes you a loner!

Try spending time with someone whom you have little in common with! Now that’s’ far more alienating than being alone.

So next time you want to try out a place and can’t find a foodie soul- go alone & try it, you might just like your own company.  

A Hotelier's Tale !!: WHAT’S FOR DINNERis my favourite question…Onlyd...

A Hotelier's Tale !!:
WHAT’S FOR DINNER

is my favourite question…Onlyd...: WHAT’S FOR DINNER is my favourite question…Only difference being that I need to ask, answer and cook myself…. It’s the only meal of t...

WHAT’S FOR DINNER

is my favourite question…Only difference being that I need to ask, answer and cook myself…. It’s the only meal of the day I enjoy and I won’t settle for Maggi!!

 

A Hotelier's Tale !!: YOU FILL UP MY SENSESNearly two years ago, someo...

A Hotelier's Tale !!:
YOU FILL UP MY SENSES
Nearly two years ago, someo...: YOU FILL UP MY SENSES Nearly two years ago, someone forwards me this song of John Denver. Now as per Cupid’s law, one is ‘suppose’ to...

YOU FILL UP MY SENSES

Nearly two years ago, someone forwards me this song of John Denver. Now as per Cupid’s law, one is ‘suppose’ to feel atleast a little romantic but as far as I remember, my memory lane took me to the whiff of horse stables and their grassy poop ….. I guess, I was & will always be in love with horses…

 

Of course, I didn’t tell her this. She figured out herself! 

Coming back to hotels, during my days as a sommelier, I once did a mistake of trying to explain the notes of a wine as a ‘nose of white chocolate’ to an American “Blonde”. Excited to hear the word ‘chocolate’, she gulped down half a glass and said,

‘ Honey, there is no chocolate in this wine……’

Well……Listening is one sense that she clearly did not have…….

 

 

The world of Hotels for me is a feast of five senses… you get aroused by new aromas every day, your eyes feast on good looking people, you hear and are a part of new gossip every day, you taste the most exquisite and sought after desires of the world (and that too for free!) and feel so blessed when you get kicked in the nuts by your boss!! It’s like a daily dose of protein. 

 So be it the smell of new money, enticing aromas of tandoori chicken or pleasures from simply whining all day….. It’s all about pleasing your senses which eventually makes you run & chase your dreams.

 

The sense of taste for me is perhaps the most delusional. 

If I were to make an F.A.Q list, this question would top my chart:

‘what really is authentic ? And if it is not authentic but it tastes good, does it really matter?

 

Well, this is where the argument begins…..

Find me a Chef who agrees that his food wasn’t AUTHENTIC enough! They will go miles to certify that theirs is the only ‘authentic way’ as their grandmother’s neighbour’s dog’s aunt made it the same way and the rest of the world has learnt to cook at a petrol pump!

Try arguing further and a flying knife comes your way……

                                                                                               

 

Sometimes authentic is so foreign to our tastes that we can't get past its authenticity. Chicken feet are simply too cartilaginous for most of us, donkey meat sandwiches are just too weird and cubes of congealed pig's blood are downright off putting.  Yet they are all authentic …..

But there are some people on this planet who travel just for all this…Can you believe it- no Selfies, no pictures with the Gucci Store! Travelling only for the love of food! Let me try and explain,

People don’t just travel from one part of the world to another to simply sit at a restaurant and eat. They do it because they are in search of new sensations and experiences that might get them excited. Many of us when trying a new place or cuisine don’t know what we are looking for, however what we do know with certainty is what we don’t want to find:  context where nothing happens!

The great restaurateur, Nelson Wong told me once, “Learn to tame & sharpen your senses and the world will eat out of your hands”…

Well, Someday……..

 

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Dating A Vegetarian

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Dating A Vegetarian: I get ecstatic just by the mere thought of having a good meal…. My friends refute on my request on seeing a menu & never let me ...

Dating A Vegetarian

I get ecstatic just by the mere thought of having a good meal….

My friends refute on my request on seeing a menu & never let me decide… because of my ‘disorder’. I do not order excessively, they just feel so!

 

Well, these days my urge seems to be under control, thanks to the current city, I am living in!

 

I have always had this peculiar obsession of browsing through

the best restaurants around the globe and then drool over their menus…

From the Eleven Madison Park in New York to Nahm in Bangkok, they are all on my bucket list….  Nothing to me is more amusing than a well written menu that can excite your senses….

 

I only know one more person who’s as crazy as I am when it comes to ‘food’….. And she fortunately is not a Hotelier….She is much prettier than that…..

 

The problem begins when you try & search for this insanity or shall I say ‘quality’ in others!

 Last weekend, I decided to browse through San Pellegrino’s 50 Best Restaurants ….After having gone through the first ten ….., my pupils dilated, there were cramps all over and hunger pants which cannot be explained. The moment was excruciating yet satiating.…

These were only indications that I can never date a vegetarian!



 

So I found a potential match. Like the same music, we get each other’s humour, like the same movies, both like to travel and take long walks on the beach.

 

Everything looks great and the heart jumps a beat as I get ready for that first date.  And just when you think nothing can wrong, She drops the bomb....
'what can you recommend in vegetarian'..... 

 

So is it a deal breaker?  It’s not like she smokes cigarettes and I have asthma. But let’s face it, I am a carnivore and that’s simply something I am not willing to change.  You start to wonder…What’s next?

Tree hugging? 

 

I like a girl whom I can enjoy a bacon, egg and cheese with, someone who can slurp freshly chucked oysters and whose eyes glitter when she sees a steak tartar….. And not someone who gags at the smell of meat!

 Does that make any sense?

 I recently read an article which said…‘Look for someone who matches 80 percent of your interests,”. “If the remaining 15 to 20 percent is about religion, politics or food, don’t let that be an issue.”

 

But what if 80% of your interest lies in that 15%….. What if that 15% is much more important to you than that 80%..?

 

I have always believed in the fact that all joyful moments of our lives are connected with memories of great food, wine & conversations….. Replace any one of them with cabbage and cauliflower and my remembrance becomes faint & bleak…

 

May be carnivores like me are only capable of dating those with whom they can share a rack of ribs…..

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Ignorance is Bliss

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Ignorance is Bliss: My colleagues in Atlanta were in for a shock when they met an Indian who flew all the way from Switzerland to work in United States (Me!!...

Ignorance is Bliss

My colleagues in Atlanta were in for a shock when they met an Indian who flew all the way from Switzerland to work in United States (Me!!).

 

It was a dream restaurant to work for…..  Stunning view of the city’s sky line, white glove service with suffocating sophistication, Faberge plates,  never ending tasting menus, caviar, cheese trolley,  a team of sommeliers and a gorgeous lady playing the harp  …. We all had fixed days to give her a hand while she climbed down from a golden spiral ladder..… She would take our song requests and learn to play them…and when she did, it was a moment….I guess we all secretly loved her……

It was ‘The place’ to propose and fall in love,  

 

 But the most satisfying part of my job was to hear the elevator speak                 “ going down…..” we did this several times a day just to hear the husky elevator voice say that! I never got to meet her though…

I soon learnt that getting high at work is so much fun! Polishing expensive silver when you are high on flavoured vodka at 4 pm is so divine… ( you could try this at home)  6 flavours for every day of the week (we were closed Sundays)- lemon, lime, cherry, peach, green pepper corn & Russian tea with orange….  Our house specialties which we made every single night! I think we guys even invented ‘Cherry Coke’.

Coming to work was like getting a season’s pass for the Jerry Springer show! (that’s another show you must watch !! ). You enter the 21^st floor and you were greeted by Vivian, a 65 year old virgin who would tell you her sob story of how her brand new 15 year old car wouldn’t start……… Every Day !!

You somehow escape her and  would meet my best man, Dino, creating his special drink of the day for all of us….and for the grand finale, you always got to watch the French sommelier fighting over his newly acquired boy toy with another aspirant from the team… I better not name these men!

For some reason, The Chef de Cuisine had nick named me ‘Jihaad’. As per him, there were only two nominations for the title crown of ‘easiest job in this world’. First was to be post man, all you got to do is put the right envelope to the right address. And the second was to be a waiter!! You just got to pick up the plate and keep it on the table, how difficult is that !!

 

And if you can’t even do that right, you should commit suicide!  

A bottle of champagne in, and you would hear him speak this over & over again…………

We also had a 70 year old janitor from Mexico who had been doing the same job for 50 years! A rich experience of listening to people’s fart, poop and burp for 30 long years… Just before the service began, he would come & ask every day, ‘ how many guests tonight?’….I still don’t know why did so! Perhaps he needed more tissues to roll, stack up toilet paper…. I guess, he had busy nights too….

 

A Dutch Maître d, a French sommelier, a German chef, a bunch of American waiters and Me!  On the 21^st floor of this fine hotel, you couldn’t ask for more……..

 

 

P.s. This was, ‘work’, you could only imagine the after-hours…

God bless America!  

 

A Hotelier's Tale !!: The Faulty Towers

A Hotelier's Tale !!: The Faulty Towers:   If you haven’t watched this show, I seriously recommend you do before you read on………… My favourite British sit com turned to real...

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Truly, Madly, Deeply

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Truly, Madly, Deeply: Since my initial working days, I always had this fascinating delusion of working for a hotel on white sand with sky blue beaches…Destinat...

A Hotelier's Tale !!: THE INTERN

A Hotelier's Tale !!: THE INTERN:                     There are less than a few reasons why some of us join hotels… 1.      You were an indigenous blend of   ‘Einstein...

A Hotelier's Tale !!: In Search of Service….

A Hotelier's Tale !!: In Search of Service….: Ever exclaimed of service being slow!!! A time when you waited & waited and didn't know if someone had run away to Assam with ...

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Truly, Madly, Deeply

A Hotelier's Tale !!: Truly, Madly, Deeply: Since my initial working days, I always had this fascinating delusion of working for a hotel on white sand with sky blue beaches…Destinat...

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Since my initial working days, I always had this fascinating delusion of working for a hotel on white sand with sky blue beaches…Destinations like Bora Bora, Seychelles, St Lucia used to be my biggest infatuation. So I tried applying to every single island I could spell and got rejected !

 

 Years later when the thought of going to any such place had depleted from my mind, I got pushed in to the ocean of Maldives…. It was much prettier and picturesque than I ever imagined, but after exactly three hours of me landing there I realised, I couldn’t do it any more…. Seclusion is not my cup of tea…..

How should I say, It’s almost like the urge of visiting a strip club. You love going there but never want it on your resume……………

 

It’s a paradise for those in love, no sightseeing, no shopping! Just long walks on the beach, sun sets, skinny dipping in lagoons, lazing in the hammock , gazing at the shooting stars and drinking till cows come home!

 

 But for many,  It’s amongst the top 3 boring vacations of their life time. The other two being when their TV didn’t work and when they couldn’t order half butter chicken ( you could guess the nationality by now). And I am not making this up….

At dinner, while the others are busy holding hands, smiling & gazing in each other’s eyes, a few even trying to have a conversation with the doped out waiters,

 I would always find a few sitting with an utter disturbing silence!…… absolutely nothing to discuss or ponder as if they have just been punished with the gloomiest day of their life. The poor souls have finally realised that besides the menu that they ordered, they have nothing in common ! I only hope to pass out before something like this happens to me......  

A breath of fresh air would gush in when a waiter would come over as they finally had something to talk,  ‘The Chicken Tikka Masala lacks a bit of zest’. Yeah! Just like your life!

(i.e. assuming that their maids, drivers and other Man Fridays are not serving notice periods…)

For them, days have passed by without going to a multiplex, they haven’t clicked a single picture outside a Gucci showroom and they have no stories to boast about their bargaining skills….And the worst of all, the ocean is just too blue for them……. she did say so, ( green was her favourite colour..)

And that’s when you know, you shouldn’t have married so soon!

….. and Maldives is so not for you !

So in your check list for Maldives, do make sure to have someone with lots of compassion for doing nothing…

 

P.s.- Saari may be the official bikini of Gujrat, but please don’t jump in the pool with them….. Find something of an equal size that will cover you up………

 

The Faulty Towers

 

If you haven’t watched this show, I seriously recommend you do before you read on…………

My favourite British sit com turned to reality when I moved to this amazingly wicked land named, England. And by the way, what you see as ‘England’ on TV is not the one I lived in.

 

Fresh from the oven of Swiss hotel school, delectable French cuisine,  white dawn glove service and with an American twang, I land in to this barn called Yorkshire. I somehow had this weird notion, that there would be no difference between America & England, what I did realise that these were two nations separated by a common language.

After ten hours of flying and two hours of train ride, I arrive in York. As the name sounded like New York, what could possibly be so wrong!  It took a good ten minutes for the taxi driver to convince me that the ruins I am starring at might be my new hotel!

 I was a state of awe… as in “awe! My god!”

 

There I was, standing in front of a 165 year old fortress (more like a renovated brothel with a green staircase) that could fall anytime….

After taking a deep breath and saying a little prayer, I entered the York dungeons! I had yet again out done myself! From a swanky 22 storey hotel in America, here I was strolling in the English history, praising my brilliance.

At work, my team consisted of 17 college going kids, mostly girls, who cared two hoots about their job and 3 Spaniards who didn’t speak English! My manager who was in her forties, didn’t have any teeth and was in love with the pot wash guy ( so we got our plates on time ! ) and the head chef had just been sacked for stealing hotel paintings…( I’m serious) . The Adam’s family had truly come to life,

 

Often my adorable staff would call n say, ‘Hey ho, period pains , Mo’ ( I was called Mo then ) and my toothless manager& I would end up hovering carpets, polishing china all night……. One of them even quit writing a complain note to the GM that I was rude (I only told her that shaving off her head at 17 won’t get her through the army!)

One of them used to get tired so often that I had a bet with her that she’s pregnant! And gosh! At 17, she was!!! Only I knew it before her! I was so disappointed; the only pretty soul in my restaurant got screwed from a guy who sold hash for a living!   

Another marvel was a girl with a squint. Looking straight in to the eyes and talking was not her thing….She also had a cousin whose only dream was to become a stripper when she grows up….. She got her tongue pierced only for oral pleasures! I couldn’t understand a word of what she spoke! So much for communication skills…………….

 

There was so much admiration in the room that they always lauded one another for who they were and what they wanted to become! Yes- they even admired the stripper for her aspiration!

Life couldn’t be better……..

The kitchen wasn’t so far either……..One fine morning, the 80 year old breakfast chef encountered his biggest culinary challenge of a life time! Someone ordered an egg white omelette. In his age & time, this was unheard of! He gave a zillion reasons as to why the British egg whites won’t cook alone and it is so not worth the effort. The same evening, one of the chefs decides to chop off his finger and I somehow land up in the kitchen, helping out! So, I did cook for one night and that too a New York Club Stacker for the then famous pop artist, Craig David. Poor guy had no clue who was cooking …. & I had no clue what was I cooking…

Out in the restaurant, it was Mayhem! People were crying out for food, found blood in the chicken (may be it was from the chef’s finger), some even wanted to come in the kitchen to see if their food is on the grill atleast! Thank god, they didn’t!

When you went back to the house, thinking the worst is over, you were greeted by three warming flatmates putting nail paints on one another, with their freshly laundered lingerie, sprawling all over the living room, occupying every little space, marking their ‘Territory’!   I had no choice but to help them with their chores if I needed my space to sit! (Yes, I did paint their nails)

This is the England I lived in…..! It was a place where the Queen was unheard of……… And we all spoke a language that we only we could understand…

Till next time, ‘Ta, Luv!’

 

THE INTERN

                  There are less than a few reasons why some of us join hotels…

1.     You were an indigenous blend of  ‘Einstein & Charles Darwin’ in school and realised it soon that you can’t get through anywhere else

2.     You love to put things in your mouth which you can’t pronounce (and assume that you are truly gifted…)

3. You love those celebrity chefs on TV and for some reasons get infatuated by their  white chefs coat & want to wear one! (Don’t blame the poor child, he hasn’t been exposed to the world of sunny leone as yet…..)

And worst of all!! Someone talked you in to it and cursed you for a life time….. Misery loves company!

Well, I was a cusp, never liked school, my report card always looked like a shade card of Dulux Paints, I did love to watch chefs on TV (remember the show- Yan Can Cook), Chef coats did infatuate me and sadly, soft porn came much later in life ……

What one doesn’t realise is that the fancy chandeliers, the comfy duvets, the sterling silver and the delectable cuisine is actually  Not For You….you are just a guy carrying all this ! And for those whose lone ‘ Raison D’etre ‘ was eating, will find themselves hiding behind the gigantic dish washer nibbling on the left over fries ( with ketchup, ofcourse! )…..

 

The internship or the industrial training is the sole highlight in any hotelier’s career. It’s the first time you get a sneak peak of a place which will make you feel at home for the next six months ( that’s how long the internships are…) Oh ! & when I say feel at home, I meant foster home…..

 

Based on your skill set, every one usually gets bestowed upon a title within the first week. I was called a “Donkey’s Ass” …sounds quiet cute na !!  Try reciting the same in Hindi! (don’t recollect if it was a suffix or prefix ) 

Then begins, the “Training”….  On the very first day you are made to believe that wearing onion rings ( with the skin, to be precise ) in both your ears would stop you from crying while you continue to peel a sack of them….so, I did…..! Did it work ?…..well,  try this at home & let me know…

The next big task awarded is the cleaning of a walk in freezer of butchery ( it’s a haven for meat lovers )

And just when you are lost gazing at the plethora of hanging carcass  ( lamb, cows, rabbits ) of all the lovely creatures, someone will lock you in & say…. enjoy the minus 16 degrees……..

 

You exit from the frozen corpse land and are greeted by a brigade of chefs as if you have just been baptised. And instead of the holy wine, you are given a spoonful of something to taste! Now, Tasting for an intern is like the highest mark of respect that anyone could ever give. So I did….a spoonful of Jalapenos, pounded just for me……It’s almost like going through hot flashes & menopause at the same time……. ( who the hell knows, what jalapenos are at 18 ! )

 

 

And that my friends, was the end of day 1 of my internship in the glamorous world of hotels

 

P.S.-   these days, the interns apparently have the right to complain ! You actually cant make them work too hard either !

how boring is that,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Search of Service….

Ever exclaimed of service being slow!!! A time when you waited & waited and didn't know if someone had run away to Assam with your tea request to pluck the first flush ! Or whether the chef is still trying to remove the last of the pimple from the cow’s cheek, before he butchers it and cooks your steak!

Some guests whine about staff hovering around & disturbing their inner peace, some say, staff not engaging enough ( you could marry them if you want to..) what are the odds of the husband loving everything and the wife hating it…same day-same time !

 There was one who even wanted to kiss me and her hubby got so furious …. ! what did I do.... smiled sheepishly and said - The Pleasure's All Mine ! Gosh- what was I thinking ! God Bless America!

In my career span, I have managed to ruin plenty of such service experiences….

To name a few, I have poured down a pot of the finest Columbian coffee through the backless dress of a lady ( I guess I was trying to peep in far & away…..)

I also once managed to serve only plates & forgot the food ! ( to my defence…I din’t speak german )

I was also once blamed for ruining somone’s vacation as the forecast had changed……. I wish the weather man took bribe!  

So, what style of service comforts you…..   

Is it the subservient behaviour of bowing down and saying Yes to every single request that makes you feel like royalty from the days of yore? Or is it getting your wishes granted even before you think of it ! Yeah! A lot of guests believe that the staff has high band width-routers in their brains which should catch their thinking frequencies! And even before they could speak out, their wishes must be fulfilled! Or is it that you love to be followed like a shadow and you need someone to scratch your back, pick up your man-bag & blow some breeze in your eye, just when it twitches.....( I do know a few...)

In my world, we often swap & used the words, 'Luxury' and 'Service' for one another, and I wonder... Is it in the goose down & feather pillows you sleep on or the Hermes bath amenities or in the Versace crested dinner set ! Or is it in the oversized bath tub you sink in sipping an exquisite vintage champagne.

For almost 16 years of my career, I associated “Luxury & service” to all this but then I finally found my answers in a small town where none of these fancy names existed….

In my recent travel to Laddakh, I experienced the most genuine service by someone who has never seen the doors of any fancy hotels, has never been to a hotel school, barely speaks English but can beat any Luxury Hotel’s Service, hands down……..

We all called him “ Sonu”…. He taught us that service is not about saying Yes to everything but in trying your best……… it’s in the way he made us feel. In a city with sub-zero temperatures, almost no vegetation and a house full of a resort, he made sure that we had our own little space, catered to us like there was nobody else around! And when the bunch of hooligans ( Us) asked for more… all he said with a smile was – let me try….. and boy- He tried !! & gave us more than we expected…. It made me realise that Great Service was not in reciting the lineage of Dolce & Gabana, but in the intent with which you look after someone … it’s in the genuineness of the person who cares for your comfort….     

There are people who frame degrees in hospitality management, join hotels and are proud to go by the rule book !  And then there are people like Sonu, who do not need a standard operating manual & a flow chart ( which by the way, hotels thrive on ) to resolve issues  … They just do it……

Saying Yes to "No" !

Have you ever been refused a table in a buzzing restaurant !!

Ever witnessed the audacity of the wait staff having  to say " No" to accommodate you and you replying," Do you know who I am"! If so,  this one's for you ! I always wish the poor wait staff should be permitted to get extra tables from their homes, when the place gets full !

Whether you've lived in Delhi or down south, it is bound to happen that a distant relative of yours is either a politician or is a business magnet named " Reddy" whose name may help you to sneak in to this awesomely busy place..... and in return what do you get - Lousy food and crappy service.

And just when you get seated, you suddenly have the urge of having something which is not on the menu  and you ask your wait staff to get it.... What do you hear again "No" ! That's when the funny bone tickles your brain and the golden words are spoken " Call the GM"..... do you really think GM is someone who will personally take your order ! some still do,  LOL....

Try complaining after that about how everyone at the restaurant has ruined your evening and how the mosquito bite on your girlfriend's left thumb has made you loose your appetite.

And that's when you get to meet a black tie gentleman profusely apologising and offering a discount ! Is that what we want from an evening ??

So next time you want go out and have a great time, call & reserve !!! I promise your fiancé won't think less of you, your bicep's wont bulge less, let uncle reddy take some rest and best of all you'll get treated like you deserve to be....

And that is just a tip of the ice berg in a Hotelier's Day.......... there's never a dull moment :-)

pun intended....